I just don't get guys sometimes. Are all guys the same?

I've loved this guy for 3 years now. We were together for 3 times before, but we always end our relationship after a few months. The reason to this, is because of his attitude. He tends change after a certain period of time, he'll treat me as a nobody after a while & then his feelings will change towards me, and thus, he'll break up with me. And thats not the end of it, after a few months, when i'm trying to get him out of my life & to move on, he'll come back to me, sweet talking me in all kinds of way just to win back my heart.

I've given him loads of chance, over & over again. I believed in all his silly sweet talk.

I've done & sacrificed alot for him.

Last december,

I went to australia on a vacation for over 5 weeks, and after i came back, he was a whole different person. He treated me the way like how i shouldn't be treated. I couldn't stand it, i broke up with him. & in less than a week, he went to another girl. AND NOW, he's madly in love with this girl in his form.

I don't know why I can't let go of him. Its so damn obvious, that i should let go of him and move on. Yet im blinded by love. I know the way, yet i'm so lost. I just don't know how to forget him.

I still stucked in the past. Struggling to move on again. I'm always in this situation. I knew that this would happen to me, why was i still so stubborn? Why did i let him talked me into getting back with him ?

I cried alot for him. I tried my best to make him stay, and to fix things again, but i failed. He lost interest in me. He said i was being too serious in this relationship. He wants to have fun. It really pisses me off sometimes, when will this guy ever grow up?

I somehow lost trust in all the guys now. I'm not ready to love again.

Is it so hard loving me? Why can't i just let go ?

There are a million & one questions that are running through my mind right now.

WHAT IF?

What if i never accepted him at the first place?
What if i didn't know him at the first place?
What if i didn't give him chances over & over again?
What if i have met someone earlier?

I'm sure i won't be suffering what i am suffering now.

Sigh

After 4 whole months of being together, we broke off for the second time AGAIN.

The reason this time, is because he told me he wants to concentrate on his studies. He didn't had time for me the past few weeks before we broke up. He changed. His feeling was different towards me & we argue all the time.

Sigh. Maybe this is for both our own good. I have no regrets though for this break up, but I still love him & miss him alot. Its like he has become my daily routine, my addiction. But I know I'm stronger this time with God's help & strength.

I heard rumors that he now flirt alot with other girls & he went around asking girls for their number. I don't know whether should i believe all this. I went over to his house yesterday & handed him some food & cough medicine because I heard he was badly ill. I really don't want him to get hurt or sick even if he doesn't know how appreciate me. I still want whats best for him.

I know one day he'll realize what he've lost & let go, maybe not now, but soon. I have no confidence whether we'll be back together again, but i am sure of one thing, that is no girl will ever love him like the way i have. He'll regret.

Also, i am sure that this time it wasn't my fault for the cause of our break up. Because I know i've tried my best to be a good girl friend. I always understand him & tolerate him. My friends were against him, after they saw the way he treated me. Yet still i'm blinded my his good looks & charm. Sigh.

I need to let go now & wake up. 2 years has been enough. I couldn't move on all this while, cuz I keep giving myself excuses. I can't always have what I want. I can't always follow my heart that will lead me to a dead end.

I've to do something for myself, that is to move on & forget about him. I know all this will end soon. I know God will bless me.

God loved me so much, he gave me him. Now He saw how I've suffered being with him, He wants me to let go. Everything has been planned by the Lord. I know I'll move on soon.

 

 

x

 

 

 

Its the last day of January 2009.

Its been more than a year.

22nd of August 2007
At approximately 7 something PM, he has officially became my boyfriend(well ex now).

3rd of September 2007
The first time we held hands. It was noon then. We were in school. Outside his class. That wonderful memory of me feeling his hands will always remain in my soul.

11th of October 2007
Around 12 something pm, we broke up. My world came falling apart then. I felt so numb, I didn't even knew how much tears I've shed overnight.

Those were the only dates that I could recall then. It really scares me. After so long. These dates kept haunting me throughout the year. Those memories. The first time he hugged me, the first time we were on a date & etc.

So yeah. I did something really stupid today. I went over to his working place(which is a restaurant), before that my heart kept  pumping really fast, because I haven't seen him for abt 3 months now. While I reached my destination, I saw him.

*I didn't dared to see him earlier because I didn't want myself to fall more deeply in love with him.

So today was the day. I mustered every bravery that I had in my small pathetic lil heart. I decided to give it a try. I decided to see him.

He was standing right outside that Thai restaurant. He was like an angel. The most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my eyes. A goddess. Even when he was in his waiter uniform.

He took a few seconds to recognize me. Until when he realized who I was, he walk over. My hands were all sweaty. I felt really nervous.

But,

The more steps he took to come closer me, I felt as if something was really different. It was not his appearance(though he did dyed his hair light gold & he was hotter than before), yeah whatever, it was as if I'm so unfamiliar with his image.

When he began to talk, & say hi, it even felt more different.

It felt really AWKWARD for me.


 I wasn't like  how'd I used to be.

My face used to blush, Words that came out my mouth used to jumbled up, I used to sweat alot....
(But those were last time)

Now, its different.

Slowly did i realized that I wasn't crazily in love with him like i used to be.

Its as if that special love feeling that I used to have in him disappeared somehow...

I've realized that this past few months, I wasn't in love with him.

I was in love with his figure in my dreams.

He was totally different like the guy in my dreams, today.


Maybe somehow, I've moved on. Which I wasn't even aware of.

Maybe I've out grown from my childish self.


xxxx